Hello. =]

i am so depressed
im so tired of everything. troy high. family. school.god. sports. weight. stress. myself. people. i hate people. i hate the world. i wish i could die. i want to leave this damn life. its the worst place everywhere. why am i so trapped in this misery. why cant i ust have peace. why cant i just be happy. its ustnot fair. im so sad. im so sad. i hate this place. i want to die. i want no homework. i wnat to be happy. i want friends. i want to lose weight. i watn to be rich. i awnt to be sucessful. i want to be skinny. i watn to be popular. i want to be pretty. why do i have to be like this. why am i such a sinner. why am i so rude to my parents. why do i worry so much. i hatet his life., asdfjasklfjasklfasklfjaskljfasjfkl;asfk
i hate want to die. just kill me please. please. please. please. i cant ask for anything else. i just want peace. i just want to be happy. i just need rest.
i just want to know everything will be okay.
which will never happen.
life is so hard.
my past is so rough.
why cant my heart feel satisfied. why am i always so empty.
life is discusting. see how broekn everyone is? see the nasty black stained world? why. why. why do i have to be here.
why. i hate these fucking migranes. god damn it. i hate life,. aksjdfasklfjaskldfjasklfjasdkljflk;asjfklasjfklsdkfljslkfjakls;djfkl;asjdflk;sjdfkl;sdjlk;fjdasklf;jas;kldjfkla;sdjfkl;asjdf;kljasdklf;jaskldfjkalsdjfklasdjfklajsdf;lkjasdkl;fja;klsdjfklasdjfkajfdklajsdflk;jsfkl;jsdf.
i want to die elkajsdflasjfklsdjfaskljfkalsjdflka k

yesterday was a party at ankurs. it was pretty fun, but idk. michelle was realyl begining to bother me. i mean like, i totally like her as a friend, and shes definietly always here for me. but the side that i just dont like is how flirtacious she is. i mean yesterday.. completely just was not very..responsible and idk. whatever i guess, but even when shes sober she tends to be really realyl flirtacious. a lot of my guy friends that shes begining to become friends with ask me if shes into them or not. gets pretty fucking annoying haha. whatever. soetimes i just worry that if me john and mich go to some party together that shell somehow start hitting on john. sigh, then again this is something thats gay that i shouldnt be stressing over for now.
i feel bad for mike because mich hooked up with robert and justin and he had to see/hear about all of it. =/ hope hes okay.
anyway, im really tired. theres another party on friday but with different people. i think this one wil be pretty fun. but i probalh wont be drinking much.
anyway, i finally was able to give john his surprise present of the watch. he seemed to like it so im glad.
we seem to be getting better i think. hopefully. i hate worrying but if things dont seem wrong when we hang out then i guess we're okay. if i start thinking about it too hard then ill bring it up.
i feel bad for ava, ryans been an extremely bad boyfriend to her, and shes been sticking up with it fora  longg time,. sigh. i hope she wont get any more steressed cause she'll start want to "bitch" if you knwoi what i mean.  .?
nancy needs to email claire and i the list. now. i need to get hsi fcuking thing out of the fucking way. omgg.
hopefully the college crap all gets figured out soon, and my essays wil be returned to me tomorow.
hm idk i need to lose weight is al i can say hha. i just eat so much juink food and blah blah blah. hate it. lakjsfaksjfdasklfaskljfaskljfdlkasflksaflkjaflksadlfkjalkjflksadjf. its weird, its the one thing that ijust seem to not be able to control, my weight. makes me feel like im losing my life or something. might sound gay.. but for someone whos very critical on the way they look its hard. =/ man.
oh i got my senior pics back, they look like shit. yes. uh no. damn it! haahhaaha

i feel really depressed right now. my stomach is in so much pain. it always happens..  it happens due to my stress, anxiety, worry, etc etc. I had it tested for ulcers and all that stuff a while ago. i guess there was nothing so thats good. i feel so sad. i dont knoiw why. i guess its just cause all day today i was so "happy". it sucks cause it builds up so much during school cause im trying to hard now a days to be more happy. since that whole thing john thing happend im trying really hard.. but i hope i dont just crack and break down one day. I guess john and i are doing pretty well.. at least for the first "day" after a day liek yesterday. seeing charles sometimes does make me miss him, but i know that its more towards the fact that we've missed out on afriendship for the past couple years. i cant wait until we can just build it up. I sent in my college apps to be checked today.i hope all goes well. my senior pics are in so im goign to go pick them up tomorrow morning. if they dont look good.. ill be really sad.. haah. i mean i know it cant real ylook pretty, but hopefully at least with however good my face can get if thats even possible..but if it could i hope it looks decent at least. hm. so for english we have this hugeass amount of reading to do.. its kind of crazy. so freaking intense. like wtfff!
i want to cut really badly right now. im craving it like a mother. aksjdfasklfjasklfjasklfjaskldfjaslkdfjas. i dont know if i can take it. my stomach is in so much pain. i have so much anxiety. i alksdjfa i ahte this askldfjasklf asklja die die die die lkasjdfasklfjasklfjaskldfjalks;djfakls;jfkasjf;klaslkfjaslkfalskdjfklasjflkasjfkasjfkaslkflkadsjfkljaslfkjaslkdfjaskldfjlasdjfl;ajsd/ i feel like im falling. oh i wish it ws in the "love: terms. but more like.. falling from god. falling from my sanity. im going crazy. i cant handle this its been for so long with me being in this damn cage. get me out. i want to be free. i hate this pain. i want to feel nothing.

at least i can feel something..?

gosh i keep getting into fights with my parents.
i  hate it.
i hate it. they get so fucking annoying.
its liek shut up.. and i hate how they always fucking blame everything and anything possible on to me.
its like the why the fuck do you think im always so depressed and tha ti ahte myself. uh because the fact that
my own "support" sucks ass and they make me feel liek shit. how am i supposed to be happy when that happens.
no one ever undertsands why im always so sad. i feel liek some crazy maniac. no one will ever undrestand me and it pisses me off.
i cant even udnerstand myself. god, i need to die

so recently after talking to michelle, you know about how out of no where the amount that i miss charles has increased. idk, i guess her talking about tyler really started unburying all of my feelings. its hard bveacuse i dont know if its that i just miss him as a person or its that i want to be in a relationship with him. im pretty sure though that i just watn to be friend iwth him again. it makes me sad because john knows about this whole situation, and hes really confused.. and hes probably thinking about ending things. maybe. but hopefully not. i really like john.. he makes me happy. i was such a fool to ever mention charles in that way when i was with john. he wanted to knwo why i was so sad alll the time.. and i mean i guess in a hoensty me not being close to charles is a part of it. its not like im looking to be in a relationship with him.. an dit snot like i LIKE him since i pretty much have no idea what kind of guy ihe is now. all i want is to be with john.. sucks. im pretty much ruining our relationship and i hate how its so shaky. it makes me so nervous when im around him beacuse im afraid that if i do one more thing wrong he'll end things for sure. i guess although all of these things are what i want, i need to just let you do your will. i keep on just running around down here on earth not trusting or listening to you. i need to do so now. lord im sorry, i understand how much i need you to keep things straight and organized within me. please just really really help me get through this time.

I dont knwo what to do anymore.
I went to the library with michelle today, and her talking about tyler completely kills me. obviously i feel bad for her, but it sucks when i feel her exact pain. I guess we've just delt with it in differnt ways. For me, Ive been able to convince myself that im better off without charles and that my life is better. but to be honest,  for these past three years, no one has made me as happy. and i feel so empty. and i hate regretting everything. its like this feeling where i blame myself, regret, am mad at him, miss him, want to be with him and desire him, but at the same time convincing myself that i shouldnt be with him or that things wouldnt be the same anymore. i miss him to no extent. i hate this. Why. why. why. alksjdfasklfjaslkdjfslakjfalsk. like i feel so pathetic.. he was with amy for so long. and its like he loves/ed her. i mean, i do beleive that she was good for him during this time. but i cant help but feel ike if i had a second chance, i could be the world. i have so much to offer. but man. its like is it the past that i love and miss. or would things actualyl work out right now. but then its like im with john. and i know that i really iek john, but i know that charles will always have a part of my heart. then again, everyone always remembers their first love.? i probably sound so confusing. but whatever, when am i not. im starting to realize more and more that the guys that ive been with,.. maybe they're all to see if any will ever replace charles. sigh. is it that true?  i hate feeling this way.

man, so much to do, so much to worry about. i hate stressing out. i feel like im always complaning about life too. i just really cant help it. ive been falling away from god lately, its not really that i hate him, im not mad at him, its not like i dont beleive in him, i still love him and desire him just the same. its more like i just have trouble managing my time. sucks. i feel bad that god has to deal with someone like me. im sorry god.. i must cause you so much pain and misery all the time.. what a failure.. =[
so for spring break im thinking that we can all jst go with michelle and them. i wish people can just freaking decide and everything can be fixed. rebecca should let me know tomorrow, and michelle shoudl oemail me the info. so then im goign to email mrs demiryan and let her know  whats up. hopefully everything works out. for homecoming i need to go get a dress. maybe next weekend or the one after that. i need to get my college apps done. i need to finish my msu essay. today claire and i went to nancy, and she should finalize the list by the end of this week. then we need to seriously get this dang thing out of the way. its going to take a lot of work but whatver. I have a calc test tomorrow and ill probably fail it but im trying my best. i have a physics quiz tomorrow, but it shouldnt be too bad since its jst intergals and sstuff. hopefulyl mrs ennis has my recommendation done. i need to go visit the counselors office so i can ask about aps, college apps, recommendations and some mee thing. i need to make sure to give mr goslin my paper. hopefulyl he stil accepts it. tomorrow is sadd. peopel better come in on time. sucks that troy daze was canceled. i hate being sick. i need to get better so i can have fun at the party this friday. the party better be fun. it better work out and not be gay.  i cant wait to get my tragus pierced. im aiming for within the next month. probably after homecoming. i need to lose weight. definitely not doingag ood job towards my goal. i want to lose about 10 pounds. no its not too much, i think its more like too little. i need to run. i need more time. i need to be more sane. at least my urges to cut are actually kind of dcreaming since im so busy. i ahvent done any of my devotionals or any of my cutting work book. dang it. im letting beth and god down. sorrry. i feel bad for my parents. at least im kind of getting along with them recently. im not yelling at them as much. woo. i need to get my apps done. i miss the way john adn i used to be. i guess its just the first month stuff that i like. i get infatuated too easily. i need to stop. i cant wait until the guess watch comes in. it better fit right. hopefulyl john likes it. i hope too much. all i say is i hope i hope. i need to stop so i dont get so disappointed al the time. watermelon is good. the song sucks. i miss my friends. i wnt a life. am i living? i do not know. wil i ever know? not really. i guess thats a mystery of life. if there is such a thing. i dont think anyone understands what i say. or what i feel. or me. wthere the hell are my senior pcitures. why havent they been deliveerd yet. i shoudol cal that dang money theif place. they should come out nicely. hopefully. i ll porobably look pretty ugly. but whtaever. its normal. it rained like a mother yesterday. awesome. its dark today. awesome. i should make a list of thing si need to do so i dont get any more overwhelemed. eh ill do that later. it gets confusing since i don thave my "life" aka planner with me. ha life. sad how my life is all on some pad of papers. then again i guess thats all that its worth. heofpulyl my essays are nice and i get accepted to the colleges. just keep looking out for me please.

A couple days ago I officially dont really care as much about my life and goals anymore. my standards are comnig down, and im realizing that ive been wasting my 17 years so far just on stressing and over worrying. it is so gay, and its time to have fun. im failing in all of my classes and i got a C on my econ test the other day. i felt kinda sucky over it, but i did study for it andi tried. it just seems like now a days im so depresssed that i cant concentrate in class or try to study or do my work. I dont really know what to do because i AM trying to live up to my standards.. but it just seems that i cant do anything anymore. I dont really know, i just want to stop having this feeling of a empty heavy heart, and i want to enjoy life.. i want to be able to smile and know that i truly mean it.